A grandmother recieve this note from her 13-year-old grandaughter: "Thanks for the check.I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money." In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures. and let birds fly above the earth." The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before... At this point God created Hell. ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries: USA: An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning - harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that). SWEDEN: On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands." BRITAIN: Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating." >From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body." From Boots (chain of pharmacies & manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for young children urges: "Do not drive car or operate machinery. Avoid alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids). ITALY: Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face." KOREA: On the box of a kitchen knife: "Warning - may be dangerous to children." (Translation difficulties might explain this one). During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." Yet even more strange facts. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents. You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning. If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes. Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction. In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" Longer jokes (cont.) It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" --- Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas. --- The Survival Guide to Boring Sermons Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. Practice smiling insincerely. --- Messages From God On my way to work I saw a local Baptist Church marquee that read: "May every new year find you a better man." My current pastor claims to have seen the following on Mothers' Day: "Have a nice day, all you mothers." ---- this might be a re run but its still not bad.. This couple had a really terrible little kid, Johnny. He was always fighting and cussing and getting in trouble at school. Finally he was expelled from public school, so the parents decided to try private school. They enrolled him in a private boys' school that was supposed to be wonderful. Within a week, little Johnny is expelled. The father is so upset he says, "That does it he's going to military school -- they should be able to discipline him there!" Within a week at military school, Johnny is expelled once more. The only thing left to try is parochial school. The parents take him to the Catholic school and hope for the best. A week goes by and there are no problems. The parents are pleased but still wary. Another week goes by and still no trouble. The parents are happy but still waiting for the inevitable. More time passes and Johnny gets a report card on which the nuns have given him good marks for his behavior. Johnny's parents are floored. They call him into the room to see what caused this change. "Do you really like Catholic school?" asks the mother. "No," replies little Johnny. "Then what has caused this turnaround in your behavior?" inquires his father. "Well," says Johnny, "on the first day they lined us up and took us into a big room. Inside, there was a man nailed to a cross. I knew I had better behave because these guys meant business!" --- When Life Begins A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart starts to beat." "We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is _our_ belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies." -- This isn't exactly funny - but it is interesting... Pondering How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Do fish get cramps after eating? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers? Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new? =--= Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!" Key to understanding Saddam Hussein's military insignia system: 1 stripe means the solider knows how to speak, but not against Saddam Hussein. 2 stripes means the solider knows how to speak in full sentences, (but of course not against Saddam Hussein). 3 stripes means the soldier knows how to speak in full sentences, AND he knows someone who knows someone who lives next to someone who has a telephone. (But nobody says anything wrong against Saddam Hussein. Two tomatos were walking over the street, one infront of the other and the first one was tired of how slow the other one was. Then the second tomato was runover by a car, and the other one replied " Hey, ketchup. A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyliis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!" Q:What did the turkey say to the chicken A:gobble gobble In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene... One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!" Q: What is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up the bagpipe! The Strongest Man -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "No, I just work for the I.R.S." ild Goose Chase -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A police car had been sent out of town on a wild goose chase and on the return trip it passed a boy leading two donkeys. The policeman, who was a bit of a smart aleck, slowed down and greeted the boy sarcastically with, "Taking your brothers out for a walk, eh"? But why are you holding the bridles so tight? Afraid they'll run away? "Yes sir," replied the boy. "I really love my brothers and really want the best for them. And see, I'm scared they'll run off and join the police force." A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." Texan in Australia -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" Q. why was the dumb blond stare at a carton of orange juice? A. because it said concentrate. One day a blonde was sitting out in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield. Another blonde drove by ans stopped. She hollered ot to the blonde in the rowboat " You're the reason we blondes have a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd go out there and hit you" A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did good?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign." Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other. One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?" The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken." After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work. Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired." "But, Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour?" the boy insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars an hour." "Okay, Daddy. Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled: "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me any more!" It was already dark and the father was thinking about what the boy had sad and was feeling guilty. Maybe, he thought, his son really needed something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" Replied the boy, partially asleep. "Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said. "Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said. Then the little angel said, "Here's my $20.00. Daddy, could you please sell me one hour of your time?" Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ." hat happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? Professional courtesy. What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? When there was an empty seat. How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk. What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? Nobody wants to hit a skunk. Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that would gag even a vulture. What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings. Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people. What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance? Japanese language lessons for lawyers. Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability. How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die, they lie still. What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant. What are lawyers good for? They make used car and life insurance salesmen look good. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer. What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? His lips move. How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? Not enough cement. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure? The bucket. Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? >From chasing parked ambulances. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the city morgue. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. Elementary! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ``This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the driver said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the front of your suitcase.'' Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone. "Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir." "Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No, sir." "This is Major Johnson, your commander!" "Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No, I do not!" "That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!" Wedding Gift of the Practical Sort -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married, and in keeping with the custom, each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds. The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock. The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart. And as the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something. After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends: "I didn't mind too much when we got zapped," he told them, "and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in hell put Novocain in the Vaseline?" Are you a Republican or a Democrat? 1) What is your personal income level? Is it: - Too much! - Not enough money, but any more would make me evil. - Whatever the government lets me keep. - Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etcetera etcetera etcetera. - I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a national park. 2) Describe your family: - I'm married with three kids. Oh, and a live-in transsexual who joins us in our orgies. - The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal information. - I don't believe in families. - I don't believe in the word "describe." 3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo? - Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty. - Scooby was never referred to as a Canine-American. - Velma is such a lesbian stereotype. - Shaggy never shares his marijuana. - "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption. - Criminals are actually put in prison. 4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you - Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself. - Direct him to a government agency that will help him. - Start a government agency that will help him. - Respect his personal choice. - Give Senator Kennedy a ride home. 5) I'm against school vouchers because... - Bad teachers need jobs too! - The NEA is against it, and a labor union certainly wouldn't do anything in its own interest. - A monopoly always yields better results than competition. 6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is: - A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written in with a fat purple magic marker. - "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards illegitimacy, and we're keeping it." - What would you like it to be? - What time is it? 7) Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is: - Whatever the Republicans are currently working on. - A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!" - White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless they're Democrats. - "Just say no to inhaling!" - What would you like it to be? - What time is it? 8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton? - Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves admiring. - The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and Redd Foxx. - If only I could lie so convincingly! - Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit. - We need more strong, intelligent women in prison. 9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him? - Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead. - Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo." - Claim to be "more famous than JFK!" - Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy. - Annex the Sudetenland and kill six million Jews. - Join the Republican party. 10) If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they would disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT. - Condoms. - Marijuana. - Cocaine. - A videotape with a note: "It was fun! Here's a copy--Rob Lowe" - An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it. - "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh. 11) Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice for the position of: - Vice President. - President. - Governor. - Senator. - Environmental spokesman. - TalkieToy Robot recorded voice. - Kindergarten teacher. 12) Bill Clinton strongly believes in - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. 13) There is a logical, believeable way that missing Whitewater documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed over all relevant documents: - They were being used to line Sock's box. - Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism. - They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice on them. - That rascally David Copperfield again! - Hillary had them. SCORING: None. IF you think this is a humor page, you're a Republican. IF you had a hard time picking the best answer because they're all so true, you're a Democrat. Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Kissing Currency -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. The local farmers had been thoroughly bilked many times by a certain car dealer in town. Then one day, the car dealer informed a farmer that he was coming around to buy a cow. The farmer attached the following price information to the cow: Basic Cow: $500.00 Two-tone exterior: $45.00 Extra stomach: $75.00 Product-storing equipment: $60.00 Straw chopper: $40.00 4 spigots@$30/each $120.00 Cowhide upholstery: $125.00 Dual horns: $15.00 Automatic fly swatter: $38.00 Fertilizer attachment: $185.00 -------------------------------------------------------- TOTAL: $1203.00 * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. * I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. * Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway. * I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. * When there's a Will, I want to be in it! * Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students! * Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes! * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. Equipped -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview: The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club: Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting." Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range." Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm." Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?" Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!" Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!" "Every winter I would eagerly wait for the first snow flake to fall. I remember how I excited I got waking up to see those first few snowflakes of the season. I was thrilled as I raced to the door, shouting to my Mom and Dad. When I got to the front door, I would pound on it and shout, "IT'S SNOWING! Remember our agreement? Let me IN!" S P A C E A L I E N ' S L O G B O O K *********************************************** 8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work. 9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town. 9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze. 10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger- tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave. 1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element. 2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion. 3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next. 3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert. 3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift. 4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future political endorsements. 6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill. 9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter. 10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out. Computer Tips -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- * Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster. * 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip). * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. * My software never has bugs; it just develops random features. * C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL * C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN * Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones. * The name is Baud... James Baud. * Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! * C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. * Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY... * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!" * As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. * Backups? We don't need no stinking backups. * E Pluribus Modem * C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) * A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available. * An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? * A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. * 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. * Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. * Windows: Just another pain in the glass. * SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . * RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. * All computers wait at the same speed. * Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors. * Press to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Just do something!! * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. * Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!! * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 * DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... * Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. * Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" * Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) * Read my chips: No new upgrades! * Hit any user to continue. * 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! * I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! * Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? * Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit * (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? * If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. * Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. * Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand." * Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. * Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS! * Will configure ones and zeros for food! Contributed by: Unknown Contributor The Chicken or the Doctor -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?" Contributed by: Hugh's Daily Joke Service Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?" The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible". Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle". The old woman fainted. Are you the Manager? A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She continues, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." Lingo lesson A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right." I Want a Divorce A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Q: What goes klip klop klip klop klip klop.......BANG!!? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed." "This will be noted." The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed." A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?” “I don’t know, “ Ernie says, “What have you done?” You are an Internet Addict when... 1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. 3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. 4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. 5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" 7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. 8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names. 11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 12.) Your dog has its own home page. 13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. 14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months. 19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job. 21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." 23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." 24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. 25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. 26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. 27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. The Groom -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can’t get them back in their cages. Finally he says, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why??” “We need someone who speaks their langauge!” Wedding Tradition -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" Subtitle: You too can learn from the experiences of others! 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square-foot house four inches deep. 8. Legos WILL pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters were not designed for Jell-O. 13. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department has at least a three-minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. To Survive -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" Contributed by: Ginny Letter from Camp... Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? Believe What You Will Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?" A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them." After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill." Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving" New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly" Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that? "New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That is right" New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family. Neighbor 1: "Right again" New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife" Neighbor 1: "Correct" New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual" Neighbor 1: "Yup" New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door" Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job" Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University" Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No" Neighbor 1: "Fag." Submitted by: Bravo9302 @ aol.com The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whattya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning." RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT (After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public) By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor. I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb. In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere. In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a big place?" I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from. I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'." It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!" Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio." After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is. Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day." A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't." There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" A sign at the golf course detailing the dress code: Guys: NO Shirts, No Golf Girls: No Shirts, No Green Fees Murphy's Household Laws A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage Three children plus two cookies equals a fight The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal Harry's Problem Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" The Young Gunslinger It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . " The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer. A grandmother recieve this note from her 13-year-old grandaughter: "Thanks for the check.I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money." How Come 2 Chinese People Can't Have A White Baby? Because 2 Wong's don't make a White +++++++ Nothing like advertising Check out this kewl page! http://www.cybermail.net/~edwardl/index.html +++++++ Cynical Wisdom -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. And finally ... * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Last years winner to the hide and go seek contest. Camping Alert In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it. No Need for Courtship -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal... Accountant Humor What's the definition of an accountant? - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. What's the definition of a good tax accountant? - Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? - When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? - His personality. What's an extroverted accountant? - One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an auditor? - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? - Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? - Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? - Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." what do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dilexic? someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog. USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" Did you hear about the old farmer in Nebraska who shot his wife dead? He had some lawyer. The lawyer got him off scot-free. “Have a heart, Judge, “ the lawyer pleaded. “After all, my client’s a widower!” The good part about being bald is that when someone walks in the room all you have to do is fix your tie. Well, it follows... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (A particularly good one for those of you brushing up on the kooky language of English) If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted. Mouth in Overdrive -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a$$hole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?" How did the blonde try to kill the fish? She tried to drown it. Painting the Temple... Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more." THE NEW DIVORCE BARBIE IN OUT IN STORES NOW. SHE COMES WITH HALF OF KENS STUFF A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and ties himself in a knot and comes back in. "Gimme a beer," he says. The bartender looks at him and asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and frays the top of his head. He walks back into the bar and says "Gimme a beer." The Bartender takes a long look at him and says' " Hey, aren't you that piece of rope?" and the rope say's "Nope, Frayed Knot." The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C. Dear Mr Secretary: My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each one of the hogs I do not raise. My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $800,000.00. Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs. Yours very truly, Octave Brussard P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham and bacon to eat? yep- a re-run with a few additions... IMPONDERABLES > They were reported as---> Stolen without citing a source: > > Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? > Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear > bright until you hear them speak? > How come abbreviated is such a long word? > If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold > tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? > Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery > is dead? > Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers? > Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't > they be called builts? > Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? > Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what > time it is? > Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? > Why does sour cream have an expiration date? > Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk? > The light went out, but where to? > Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they > already know you don't have? > Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? > Why is the alphabet in that order? > If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is > expanding, what is it expanding into? > If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the > taxi driver end up owing you money? > What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? > If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the > other trees make fun of it? > Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? > When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It > sounds like a near hit to me!! > Do fish get cramps after eating? > Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"? > Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of > everything outdoors? > Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? > If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? > When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? > Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's > not adoor? > Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell > him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. > How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked > when someone threw a gun at him? > If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of > progress? > Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid > contains real lemons? > How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? > Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? > Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? > Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? > Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? > Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? > Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? > What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? > Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? > Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? > Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM > longer? > I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help > section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. > If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all > still working? > Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? > Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? > Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? > War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do , why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, but you left your Injun runnin"!!!" An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice. Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?" The first one replied, " I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test." I'm facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft? The Bunny Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??" Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk. If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. Top 17 Signs Your Airline Attendant is About Ready to Retire 17. Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville and Wilbur ran the business. 16. For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?" 15. When pointing to the emergency exits, uses nothin' but her middle finger. 14. Occasionally tries to prop-start a 747. 13. Insists on showing you pictures of her prom date with Bob Dole. 12. Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav." 11. At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector. 10. Replaces in-flight movie with racy story about how he and Amelia Earhart founded the Mile High Club. 9. As passengers deplane, forgets to say "bye" and just stands there saying "buh... buh... buh... buh... buh... buh..." 8. No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of Bosco. 7. After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on. 6. Matches entire business class shot for shot. 5. Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the aisle. 4. Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop. 3. Requests that passengers refrain from using electronic devices such as Wurlitzers, Victrolas, and telegraphs. 2. Excitedly announces that the in-flight movie will be a "talkie." 1. Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit. The Golden Club The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. " "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!" SICK IN CHURCH A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in fact every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad. Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks. This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here." The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more." The World's Shortest Books... 25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres 23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert 21. Human Rights Advances in China 20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 19. Al Gore: The Wild Years 18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. Staple Your Way to Success 2. The Amish Phone Directory And the #1 World's Shortest Book: 1. French Hospitality Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." Reasons why a computer is better than a woman: You can go to the game, and the computer doesn't care. You don't need to wine and dine a computer to keep it happy. You can have more than one computer. The computer doesn't care how much time you spend with it. When your computer breaks down, you can just get a new one. You don't need to marry a computer to live with it. A computer doesn't talk back. A computer has a help function, so you can understand what to do, what it is doing, and what it is trying to get across. When you don't want to hear it, you can turn the computer off. THESE ARE ORIGINAL AND COPYRIGHT JEREMY JOHNSON obviously this was submitted by Jeremy Some Days You Just Can't Win -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." ----------------------------- And some aren't too bright... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. ----------------------------- And some are just a little gullible Have I Got a Deal for You!..... More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. “Susan,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place.” “I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!” A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" this one may be offensive to some.. but anyhow.. its up too you. And here's the joke: The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II) 16> The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead 15> The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder 14> Black and Decker Nipple Sanders 13> Lee Press-On Nails 12> Approximo Knives 11> The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment 10> "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!" 9> The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately) 8> Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video 7> Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver 6> Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon 5> Nine Inch Tacks 4> Monkey Wenches 3> "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!" 2> Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item... 1> The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items 16> PVC crack pipes 15> Howard Sterno 14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun 13> Stud-Muffin Finder 12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders. 11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy 10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates 9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic 8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video 7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers 6> The TurboBidet 2000 5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books 4> Caulk Rings 3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter would-be toupee thieves) 2> Goose Tape and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item... 1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Da Plane Truth This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade[_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ...................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name: ...................................................... Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name:...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... .......... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / ....... 4. Serial Number: ................................................. 5. Please check where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: [_]North America [_] Central / South America [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Europe [_] Middle East [_] Africa [_] Asia / Far East [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_]Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / disinformation [_]Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_]Cults [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Commentsor suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing DepartmentMilitary Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO I went to the Post Office yesterday to mail in my tax forms. There was a long line and as I waited I saw that the open counter had been replaced with an elaborate glass enclosure that totally isolated clerks from customers. There were even sliding windows that you open (one side at a time) to slide large parcels to the clerk. When I got to the window I saw that the enclosure was actually bullet proof glass. After I completed my business I asked the clerk "Is the bullet proof glass to keep the bullets out or keep them in?". He started to answer "Keep them out" then stopped to think about it! 50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. 7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them,but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until, you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your nieghbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week." 50. Two words: Tesly Coil REAL SCIENCE AS SEEN BY STUDENTS .... 1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. 5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 6. Liter: A nest of young puppies. 7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. 12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. 13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. 15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!" In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good. And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace. But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was wrathful. So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad. So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it right this time, yet they did not. Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and, his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell. And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land. And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificent version made, and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard. Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly. And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone before, set about building a great Hype. Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great city. And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy. Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill. And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of Next Time. Sleeping Arrangements -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on "Knowing my own Hidden Secrets" and "Lies and Deceit," a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my Income Taxes. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest." Divine Press Release Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that lagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. Amish and an Elevator An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." Some People are Asleep: Coffee Anyone? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- It needs a little background: Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the place, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is the one telling the story. Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it. Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk? Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee. Me: Is there more milk or coffee? Her: Oh, definitely more coffee. Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk. Her: Just the usual amount of milk. Me: A coffee with milk. Her: Yes. Me: Anything else? Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine? Me: We do have decaf. Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine. Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine. Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine? Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine. Her: Yes it does. Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk? Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine. Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else? Her: Do you have any bagels? Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels. Her: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds. Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am. Her: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels) Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added. Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards? Me: No ma'am, cash only. Her: What about visa? Me: Is that a credit card? Her: Well, yes. Vinnie: Is it cash? Her: No. Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it. Her: What about checks? Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else. Her: OK. how much is that? Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. Her: Really? Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself. Her: OK. (proceeds to write a check) Vinnie: Please leave. Her: Why? Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now. Her: But what about my coffee? Vinnie: Leave and never return. She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. I'm serious! Contributed by: Nicole A Newfie, American, and a Polish guy are walking down the street. Suddenly a gang sees them and starts to chase them seeking to kill them for the money they had on them after visiting the bank together. So the American guy looks around and sees this gang storming at them with guns drawn. So he quickly warnns the others, and they run down an alley. after a few twists and turns they see a dead end. All their is three empty potato sacks. So each one of them climb in and hide. The gang rushs down the alley a few minutes later also. They see the three potato sack, and the leader walks up to the first one containing the american. He kicks it. "ARFF ARFF" barks the American. The leader fiqures it must be a dog. So he goes up to the second sack. He kicks it and the Polish guy goes "MEOOW MEOOW" purrs the Polish man. The leader again fiqures it must be a cat. So he walks up to the Newfie who is hiding in the last potato sack. He kicks it and the newfie goes "PO--TAT--O, PO--TAT-O" This is an original that someone I know told me which was dreampt up by someone they know... Dear Ms. Moon, Thank you for your order to Weatherwecare, Inc. The invoice regarding your requested items are included below: Tornado: $49.95 Force Factor Upgrade (@ $2 per level) : $10.00 Extra Spin: $12.00 Destruction Upgrade: $2.00 Speed Upgrade: $5.00 -------------------------------------------------------- SUBTOTAL: $78.95 -------------------------------------------------------- Shipping/Handling $6.95 -------------------------------------------------------- TOTAL: $85.90 As you can see, Ms. Moon, your pre-payment of 100 Cyber Dollars, although greatly appreciated, is actually $14.10 over the total amount of your order. You are entitled, of course, to a reimbursement of the remaining difference, however, could we possibly offer you some additional items that would add further enjoyment to your current purchase? Some items from our discounted line are included below: Bag-O-Wind Destructo Starter Pack: $8.00 (barn and livestock not included) "The Homemaker's Guide to Tornado Farming" : $3.00 Speedy's HailMary Ice Machine: $12.95 (comes with owner's manual, Recipe Book, and Hail Sizing attachments) Wirl-E-Gig Tornado Lasso: $5.00 (handy for those hard-to-reach areas in ravines, under bridges, and basement dwellings) El Zappo Trailer Home Magnet: $2.00 (a must for the beginner Tornado hobbyist) Maynard's Barn Popper: $7.00 (guaranteed to reduce miss-ratio on all rural buildings, inhabited or non-inhabited, by 85%) Deluxe Whip-R-Snap-R Tractor Trailer Tosser: $5.00 (driver and tree not included) Please let us know which items, if any, you would like to add to your order, and we will be happy to ship them to the residence of your choice. Thank you for your purchase and as a gesture of our appreciation for your business, we would like to offer you your very own "EZ Auto Wrapper Tornado Attachment" for making great lawn and tree ornaments--and it is yours absolutely FREE! Also, don't forget to enter our "Toss 'Em High" Sweepstakes at: http://www.weatherwecare.com/~getstuffed.html Thank you for shopping at Weatherwecare! Please feel free to write us for catalogs of our other product lines as well as info on our Friendly Referral Program. Employee and family discounts for those special people in your life who are really asking for it! For an additional fee, we can drop ship hurricanes, tornados, hail storms, or floods. Impress your friends. Be the envy of major local governments. Free gift with every order. Happy Blowing! Sincerely, Wynn D. Bagg President, Weatherwecare, Inc. ******* Dear Madame, I'd like to place an order for a super deluxe F5 Tornado with extra spin factor at 300 miles per hour. Its been getting extremely boring around these parts, and the tornado chasers (along with my meteorologically enhanced family) here in Oklahoma need something interesting to do. The severe storms, flash floods, and power outages just aren't enough to satisfy our basic needs anymore. Extreme destruction would also be greatly appreciated. An one-hundred Cyber-Dollar has included with this email. Hopefully it should cover the cost. Thank you very much, TerraMoon: The Tornado Chaser (Not to be mistakes with 'TerraMoon: The Vampire Slayer' or 'TerraMoon: Warrior Princess') Cyber Payment is as follows: || \/ _________________ | | | $100 | | Cyber-Dollar | | _______________| Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?" They were arguing about the alleged inborn strain of decietfulness in woman, and she retaliated by citing the instances of men deceiving their wives. "I suppose," said he, "that you hold that a man should never deceive his wife." "oh no!" she smiled back at him. "I shouldn't go so far as that. How would it be possible for the average man to get a wife if he didn't deceive her?" It's the FASTEST A hip young man went out and bought a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It was the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He took it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulled up next to him. The old man looked over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asked, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replied, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" stated the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asked, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replied the owner. So the old man poked his head in the window and looked around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man said, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changed so the guy decided to show the old man what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 320 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhooooossshhh! Something whipped by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asked himself. Then, ahead of him, he saw a dot coming toward him. Whooooosh! It went by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thought the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he saw a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoooooosh K-BbblaMMM! It plowed into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumped out, and it WAS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurtin' for certin'. He ran up to the dying old man and said, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moaned and replied, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. "If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg Funny Classified Ads Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers . Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it! If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!" There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each day, she told him this same thing. The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always did tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!!" Service Oaths US Air Force Oath of Enlistment I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. Indiana: 1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter. 2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. Louisana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. liners by Stephen Wright ---------------------------------------- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? How can there be self-help "groups"? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. All do to Clean Living In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--" "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in for?" What to do? A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuckere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck." WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm] Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence. 1. Which of our fine products did you buy? __ President __ Vice-President __ Senator __ Congressman __ Governor __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce __ Cabinet Secretary - Other __ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) 2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? 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(Please check all that apply.) __ Performance of currently owned model. __ Reputation. __ Price. __ Appearance. __ Party affiliation. __ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government. __ Blackmail. __ Celebrity endorsement. 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models. __ Excessive operating / maintenance costs. __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model. __ Defect in current model: __ Dead. __ Senile. __ Indicted. __ Convicted. __ Resigned in disgrace. __ Switched parties / beliefs. __ Outbribed by competing interest. Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy. Primetime Parking -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. The police officer walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window. The boyish looking driver said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what's she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "And how old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man replied after glancing at his watch, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed. A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it." As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them." The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?" The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?" "I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!" Looking for Help -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket." One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider. When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia." Insanity IS Herereditary - You Get It from Your Kids Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. I am an escapee of a political correction facility. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I believe in youthenasia. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though. A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" That was the last thing he could remember. One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?" Proper Diskette and Care Usage Source: Keith.Meidling@p2.f1099.n261.z1.fidonet.orlg (1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. (2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. (3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives. (4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. (5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive. (6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot. (7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. (8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. (9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading..... An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."" A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle." A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire." Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the worst time for a guy to get those odds? Real Cowboy -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." A shy collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl, but he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to give it a go, and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a her a letter of proposal. HE WROTE : Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation. I have a strong inclination to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination - no doubt, without any hesitation, and very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our augmentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion, To remain victim of your fascination. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE WROTE BACK : Dear Mr. Victim of My Fascination, Congratulations for your lengthy narration of full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation. 1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection. 2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and, 3. Procreation must not be your recreation. In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation. I Remain, unaffected by your affection. Contributed by: R.B. The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible. "All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer." Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now." "I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father." "Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team." Saving Billy Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!" The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?" "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!" Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?" "You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too." After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?" Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?" "Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!" Santasam A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?" "I don't know, " Ernie says, "What have you done?" Sister Mary & The Bet Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the CEILING, father." "How much did you win?" I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. There would be no such words as ``wedgie'' and ``noogie.'' Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be --I sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts, and when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective -- follow me closely here -- is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: ``Howdy! My bottom is the size of a Federal Express truck!'' The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as ``8'' or ``10.'' Don't ask me ``8'' or ``10'' of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8. So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. ``Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. ``You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and . . ' ``Am I fat?'' she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers ``yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers ``no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult. The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: ``I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a `6' on them.'' Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called ``SIZE 2,'' in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words ``SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing. A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program." The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives. Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the priest of the local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," said the priest. As he started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the area around the church was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the ward building, the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more." NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form BERNIE, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word." Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain. I thought my Boss was a moron, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a moron, too ... but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. Emergency Landing -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?" The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!" So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any." So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!" The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!" Dumb facts you aught to know The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. A Woman's Random Thoughts Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing( and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" Top 16 Signs Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius 16> Only 47 different locks in the building, but 150 keys on his key ring. 15> He's wallpapered the boiler room with old lottery tickets. 14> For some reason, counting to five often involves a journey into the double digits. 13> Uses WD-40 instead of Formula 409 when cleaning windows because "them big numbers is mighty scary." 12> The two quarters, two dimes and "pretty rock from the parking lot" he gave you as change for a dollar. 11> When told to provide two roles of toilet paper for all five bathroom stalls asks how many toilets that would be. 10> Despite lowering his trousers, can't seem to count past 21. 9> Take-home pay per week: $300. Price of keeping his kids in Nikes per week: $400. 8> Somehow thought he'd be getting more from his divorce settlement with Rosanne. 7> Says he enjoyed Wrestlemania X so much, he can't wait for Wrestlemania Y. 6> Thinks "circumference" is a Jewish ritual and "denominator" a Schwarzenegger movie. 5> His greatest math accomplishment? Formulated "Vern's Theorem" -- E=TP squared (Everyone loves an extra roll of toilet paper!) 4> His "Liquid Plumber" requires precisely one 6-pack and a 30-minute wait. 3> Couldn't remember so he had "2 parts water, 1 part Spic 'N' Span" tattooed on his forearm. 2> His "miracle cleaner"? 40% Mr. Clean and 90% water. and the Number 1 Sign Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius... 1> He tries to measure Minnie Driver's head with anything less than a yardstick. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a single thing. May I Have Your Opinion -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's meat?" The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00." I wish... A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins." Shipwreck A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?" One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me.Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. A Shuttle To New York -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" Tom Foolery -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears." Mom's and Understanding Computers For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. You Know you're hooked when: 1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card. 3. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but damned if you can remember your wife's maiden name. 4. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard. 8. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM. 10. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes. 11. You're starting to get an erection when you look at computer upgrades. 12. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and les frequent. 13. The optomestic looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver. 14. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA. 15. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected". 16. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom. 17. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server. 18. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor? 19. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to assassinate Bill Gates. 20. You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand up comedy like this. PITY THE POPE A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man". "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it". The Birds and the Bees -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence with wide-eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great... he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun - I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" Gardening Advice -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." Gorilla Removal Service -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Bob is opening his bar one day and is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his establishment. He carefully walks into his bar and wastes no time looking up "Gorilla Removal" in the yellow pages. He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words "JOE's GORILLA REMOVAL" written on the side. A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash. "Now here's the plan," Joe tells Bob. "You hold the gun and I'll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his neck. After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck. Any questions?" "Just one," says Bob. "What's the gun for?" "If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!" Woman - A Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : Wo Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer : Adam Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties: 1) Surface usually covered with painted film. 2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3) Melts if given special treatment. 4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! 5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties: 1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. 2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. 4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. 5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. 6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses: 1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels. 3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. 4) Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests: 1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution: 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. 2) Illegal to possess more than one at a time. Overview & Application -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the Head man do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most challenging. Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president... ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic!" * M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out the information form below and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov Name: ____________ Hometown: _________________ Sex: F__ Age: ____ Measurements: (required for medical purposes) ____-____-____ How many beers it takes to get you... ... Giggly ... Drunk ... Hot ... To lie to a federal prosecutor Quick quiz: You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) MidEast policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark c) romper room d) "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading and studying c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Bill wants you ! 30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life 1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead. 2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers. 4.You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5.You disdain people who use low baud rates. 6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7.You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9.You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11.You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. 12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). 13.You back up your data every day. 15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. 19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes. 23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are. 25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*. 30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. God Will Save Me... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- There came a big flood, and the water around Joe's house was rising steadily.. Joe was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along. and called to Joe, "Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here." Joe replied. "No thanks. God will save me." Joe went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor. As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Joe, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here." Again, Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me." The water kept rising. So, Joe got out onto the roof. A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Joe, "I'll drop you a rope. Grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here." Again Joe replied, "No thanks. God will save me." The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Joe fell in, and drown. When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?" With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?" There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ." Sorry to any who got a duplicate copy today. TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C. Dear Sir; My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically Yours, Morgan P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese. One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!" A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do,since I won't be at the performance." Q: How do you make your mom drive really fast? A: "Put your guitar in the middle of the road" A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decided to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He went to a music store, walked in, approached the store clerk, and said, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looked at him a bit funny, and replied "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay." Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no longer my responsibility -- that the government knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year, however, they are yours. The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence -- and, in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Jocelyn Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February, I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to file your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with you. DO NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement; be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.) Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news, though! You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are denying. It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there. You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Yours Truly, John Smith Some Things Can't Be Helped -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'" Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!! A little list of "Doc-isms" What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. "Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. ---or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab. "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up. "This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? "This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. "Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week. This One Might MEan something to you.. or not THE 9 TYPES OF WEB PAGE CREATORS Joe/Jane Average College Student Traits : Owner of a new university-supplied computer account with http access. Complete lack of originality. Multiple references to beer/Disney movies. Several photos of Student with college buddies (high school, if freshman Student). The Good News : They don't know how to get their page linked to the outside world, so only they and their friends download their 16.7-million- color pictures from the last party. The Bad News : They, their friends and their 16.7-million-color pictures might be on your server. Mr. "Enhanced For Netscape" Traits : The second thing you see on his page is a Netscape logo and a link to an ftp site where you can download Netscape NOW!. The first thing you see is about 80 different s scrolling back and forth across your screen. The Good News : You won't have to look at their pages for long, because there won't be much there to see. The Bad News : Half of the rest of the people who look at their pages are going to think "Hey, that's cool!" and copy the source. The Old-Timer Traits : Pages compatible with HTML 1.0, no graphics and very few attribute tags. Normal-text-size message at top says "This page not enhanced for Netscape. Cope, whipper-snapper." The Good News : He's likely there because he has something of importance to say. The Bad News : Whatever it is will likely be boring or far too technical for you. The 5-Year-Old Traits : Pictures of their parents, the family pet, etc. More data about the daily life of a kindergartener than you thought possible. Cute "kiddy-talk" dialect to the text. <ADDRESS> contains the note "such-and-such's mother helped her build this page." The Good News : The first few of these you see give you a warm, fuzzy feeling. The Bad News : The last few dozen of these you see all look the same. The Computer Science Major Traits : Links to the linux FAQ, the Geek Code, Star Wars theme music and DOOM .wad files. Cautious use of Netscape enhancements. Picture of Darth Vader instead of personal pictures. HTML 3.0 (Beta) compliant seal-of-approval at bottom of her page. The Good News : If you're a geek, you'll find what you're looking for here. Even if you're not, you'll like the page design. The Bad News : Complete lack of socially redeeming qualities. Unfortunate tendency to upload specs of their home PC. The Businessman Traits : Pages without fancy backgrounds and with only one nice, clean, imagemap. Unfortunately, there are no text-links for those using Lynx. The Good News : You won't go blind staring at his pages. The Bad News : You might wish you had once you see the prices of the goods/services he's offering. The Newbie Traits : Very little created text on their pages, it's almost all links to other people's pages. Missing right brackets in <A HREF>s kill whole lines of information. Several image files are not able to be loaded. <CENTER>. The Good News : They'll almost have to get better. The Bad News : They just might not. The Egotist Traits : Large image of themself greets you when page is loading. 1/2 Meg .au file of him chatting with his dog. Access counts shown for every page. Several lengthy pages devoted to his compact disk/Magic card/beer bottle collection. More personal details than you'd ever want to know. The Good News : There isn't any. The Bad News : Frequently friendly with Mr. "Enhanced for Netscape." The Maniac Traits : Last counted 1267 .html files in his public_html directory and 100+ CGI scripts in his cgi-bin directory. Is known as a "Close Personal Friend of Bob [Allison]." Thinks the people at Yahoo! "don't keep up with the Web fast enough." Will be the first on his block to have an ethernet cable hardwired into his brain. The Good News : You could go through all his pages and never find an error. The Bad News : You'd never make it through all his pages. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." Airlines Codes Explained AA Abort! Abort! Always Awful AI Allah Informed Alitalia Always Late In Transit, Always Late In Arrival Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta A Little Italian Tit And Lotsa Italitan Ass A Little Italian Tradition And Lotsa Italian Attitude American A Miracle Each Rider Is Currently Alive Now Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea AUA Almost Unknown Airline AWA Always Wasting Assets BA Bloody Awful British Apoplectic BEA Better Eat Afterwards BOAC Better On A Camel Blast Off And Crash Boeing Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens BWIA Baggage Wandering In Africa Better Walk If you're Able Born to Wait In Airports But Will I Arrive? CAAC Chinese Airlines Always Cancel Dan Air Dangerous And Nearly Always Incredibly Rough Delta Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta Doesn't Even Leave The Airport Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalize? Don't Even Let Them Aboard Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly EAA Even Apes Aviate El Al Egyptian Louting Arab Loathing Every Landing Always Late Every Landing Always Lousy Everyones Luggage Always Lost Finnair Flies Ideally? Nah, Not Airbourne In Reality JAL Journey Always Late JAT Joke About Time Liat Luggage Is Always Tardy Lost inbetween Antigua, Trinidad Leave island any time Lot Lots Of Trouble Lufthansa Let Us Fiddle The Hostess And Not Say Anything Northwest Nobody Out Ranks This Horrid, Worthless, Excruciatingly Sluggish Transport Olympic Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash PAL Plane Always Late Pan Am Passengers Always Need A Mortician Pilots Are Not A Must Poor Airline Needs Any Money PIA Passenger's Illegal Abductor Perhaps I Arrive Please Inform Allah PSA Paul's Saturday Airline PWA Pete's Wobbly Airline Piddly Widdly Airline Please Wait Awhile Qantas Queasy and Nauseous, Tired And Sick Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trained As Stewards Quick And Nasty Transportation, Australian Style Quite A Neat Trick, Arriving Safely Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors? Quits Air-travel, Next Time Approaches Ship Sabena Such A Bad Experience - Never Again SAHSA Stay At Home, Stay Alive SAS Service After Sex Sex And Satisfaction Such A S*** Sia Sex In the Air Singapore Imitates America TACA Take Another Carrier Always Take A Coffin Along Tome Alcohol Cuanda Aborda TAP Take A Parachute Take Another Plane Thy They Hate You TWA That Was Accidental That Was Awful Travel With Arabs Teeny Weeny Airlines Try Walking Across Try With Another Today's Worst Airline Tomorrow We'll Arrive Tomorrow's Widebody Accident Totally Wasted Airlines United U Need Insurance That Exempts Death Usually Not Enclined To Eliminate Disasters USAir (used to be Allegheny Airlines): Unfortunately Still Allegheny In Reality Underwater seats available in rear Uta Unlikely To Arrive Unable To Ascend Musician Jokes (in score order) How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one. What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect unison. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zones. What is "perfect pitch?" When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato. How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it. How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-at-a-glance" What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake. What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm. What's a tuba for? 1-1/2" by 3-1/2". What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What does a timpanist say when he gets to work? "Would you like fries with that, sir?" What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have machines to do that now. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer." How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster. How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? Give him music to read. How long does a harp stay in tune? About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door. Why are a violinist fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving. Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. What do violists use for birth control? Their personalities. How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching. Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one. Why are violins smaller than violas? They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger. What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer. What's the difference between violists and terrorists? Terrorists have sympathizers. How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to re-train the cellists. Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one. One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed. How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. How does a soprano change a lightbulb? She just holds on and the world revolves around her. How can you tell when a soprano is at you door? She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in. How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they can't get up that high. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it would be a good idea. Where's a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be. What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's the definition of a male quartet? Three man and a tenor. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares? What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack. What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little use. A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound. How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? "One, two, three; one, two, three." What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager. How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato? Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo." What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto? "Music Minus One" How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write "pp, espressivo" on the music. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO. Presidential Answering Service -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day. If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9. If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6. To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W. If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y. To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G. To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D. To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A. Tol leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7. If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on in and then press it. If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth. If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R. If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N. If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G- I-D. If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O. To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights, press O-J. To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press E-T-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-O. To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G. To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S. If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E. To speak to an operator, press o. To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly. Error Messages -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" 25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ." Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!! UFO -=-=-=-=- A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked. "No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only." A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: ---------------------------------------------------- 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T. 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin. A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously." This is "Dummies In The World" today: Ian wrote me about this and *swear* its a true story. Scary. I rode home with a female coworker about five years ago. I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people". "People *who*?" I asked? She said, "The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card. "If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He *then* calls all of the other brances and ATMs, tells them how much you've withdrawn, so they can update *their* books." Margaret told me this true Travel Agent story: A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actully laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.