A grandmother recieve this note from her 13-year-old grandaughter: "Thanks for the check.I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money." In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures. and let birds fly above the earth." The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before... At this point God created Hell. ACTUAL Warnings on labels from various countries: USA: An insect spray boasts "Kill all insects", but adds "Warning - harmful to bees." (Very thoughtful, that). SWEDEN: On the packaging of a chainsaw: "Do not try to stop chain with hands." BRITAIN: Marks & Spencer bread and butter pudding has a warning on the box bottom: "Take care - product will be hot after heating." >From Rowenta: "Do not iron clothes on body." From Boots (chain of pharmacies & manufacturer of pharmaceuticals), on a cough syrup for young children urges: "Do not drive car or operate machinery. Avoid alcoholic drinks." (This must be meant for *very* precocious kids). ITALY: Label on a cigarette lighter: "Do not light flame near the face." KOREA: On the box of a kitchen knife: "Warning - may be dangerous to children." (Translation difficulties might explain this one). During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." Yet even more strange facts. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents. You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning. If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes. Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction. In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" Longer jokes (cont.) It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" --- Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas. --- The Survival Guide to Boring Sermons Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. Practice smiling insincerely. --- Messages From God On my way to work I saw a local Baptist Church marquee that read: "May every new year find you a better man." My current pastor claims to have seen the following on Mothers' Day: "Have a nice day, all you mothers." ---- this might be a re run but its still not bad.. This couple had a really terrible little kid, Johnny. He was always fighting and cussing and getting in trouble at school. Finally he was expelled from public school, so the parents decided to try private school. They enrolled him in a private boys' school that was supposed to be wonderful. Within a week, little Johnny is expelled. The father is so upset he says, "That does it he's going to military school -- they should be able to discipline him there!" Within a week at military school, Johnny is expelled once more. The only thing left to try is parochial school. The parents take him to the Catholic school and hope for the best. A week goes by and there are no problems. The parents are pleased but still wary. Another week goes by and still no trouble. The parents are happy but still waiting for the inevitable. More time passes and Johnny gets a report card on which the nuns have given him good marks for his behavior. Johnny's parents are floored. They call him into the room to see what caused this change. "Do you really like Catholic school?" asks the mother. "No," replies little Johnny. "Then what has caused this turnaround in your behavior?" inquires his father. "Well," says Johnny, "on the first day they lined us up and took us into a big room. Inside, there was a man nailed to a cross. I knew I had better behave because these guys meant business!" --- When Life Begins A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart starts to beat." "We take a bit of a different view," said the priest, "in that we believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is _our_ belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies." -- This isn't exactly funny - but it is interesting... Pondering How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Do fish get cramps after eating? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers? Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new? =--= Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!" Key to understanding Saddam Hussein's military insignia system: 1 stripe means the solider knows how to speak, but not against Saddam Hussein. 2 stripes means the solider knows how to speak in full sentences, (but of course not against Saddam Hussein). 3 stripes means the soldier knows how to speak in full sentences, AND he knows someone who knows someone who lives next to someone who has a telephone. (But nobody says anything wrong against Saddam Hussein. Two tomatos were walking over the street, one infront of the other and the first one was tired of how slow the other one was. Then the second tomato was runover by a car, and the other one replied " Hey, ketchup. A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyliis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!" Q:What did the turkey say to the chicken A:gobble gobble In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene... One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!" Q: What is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up the bagpipe! The Strongest Man -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "No, I just work for the I.R.S." ild Goose Chase -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A police car had been sent out of town on a wild goose chase and on the return trip it passed a boy leading two donkeys. The policeman, who was a bit of a smart aleck, slowed down and greeted the boy sarcastically with, "Taking your brothers out for a walk, eh"? But why are you holding the bridles so tight? Afraid they'll run away? "Yes sir," replied the boy. "I really love my brothers and really want the best for them. And see, I'm scared they'll run off and join the police force." A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." Texan in Australia -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" Q. why was the dumb blond stare at a carton of orange juice? A. because it said concentrate. One day a blonde was sitting out in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield. Another blonde drove by ans stopped. She hollered ot to the blonde in the rowboat " You're the reason we blondes have a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd go out there and hit you" A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did good?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign." Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other. One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?" The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken." After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?" "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work. Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired." "But, Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour?" the boy insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars an hour." "Okay, Daddy. Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled: "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me any more!" It was already dark and the father was thinking about what the boy had sad and was feeling guilty. Maybe, he thought, his son really needed something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" Replied the boy, partially asleep. "Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said. "Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said. Then the little angel said, "Here's my $20.00. Daddy, could you please sell me one hour of your time?" Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ." hat happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? Professional courtesy. What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? When there was an empty seat. How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk. What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? Nobody wants to hit a skunk. Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that would gag even a vulture. What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings. Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people. What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance? Japanese language lessons for lawyers. Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability. How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die, they lie still. What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant. What are lawyers good for? They make used car and life insurance salesmen look good. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer. What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? His lips move. How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? Not enough cement. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure? The bucket. Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? >From chasing parked ambulances. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the city morgue. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. Elementary! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ``This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the driver said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the front of your suitcase.'' Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone. "Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir." "Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No, sir." "This is Major Johnson, your commander!" "Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "No, I do not!" "That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!" Wedding Gift of the Practical Sort -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married, and in keeping with the custom, each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds. The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock. The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart. And as the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something. After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends: "I didn't mind too much when we got zapped," he told them, "and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in hell put Novocain in the Vaseline?" Are you a Republican or a Democrat? 1) What is your personal income level? Is it: - Too much! - Not enough money, but any more would make me evil. - Whatever the government lets me keep. - Money is a tool of the capitalistic overclass which etcetera etcetera etcetera. - I have no income. I've rejected money and illegally inhabit a national park. 2) Describe your family: - I'm married with three kids. Oh, and a live-in transsexual who joins us in our orgies. - The rules of the commune prohibit disclosing personal information. - I don't believe in families. - I don't believe in the word "describe." 3) What is the most politically incorrect thing about Scooby Doo? - Daphne never does anything but stand around and look pretty. - Scooby was never referred to as a Canine-American. - Velma is such a lesbian stereotype. - Shaggy never shares his marijuana. - "Scooby Snack" reward system encourages mass consumption. - Criminals are actually put in prison. 4) There's this weird drunk hanging out in front of your home. Do you - Give him two bucks and think highly of yourself. - Direct him to a government agency that will help him. - Start a government agency that will help him. - Respect his personal choice. - Give Senator Kennedy a ride home. 5) I'm against school vouchers because... - Bad teachers need jobs too! - The NEA is against it, and a labor union certainly wouldn't do anything in its own interest. - A monopoly always yields better results than competition. 6) Bill Clinton's Welfare Reform Policy is: - A document with "GOP" scribbled out & "Bill's" written in with a fat purple magic marker. - "It's a trap that discourages work & rewards illegitimacy, and we're keeping it." - What would you like it to be? - What time is it? 7) Bill Clinton's Official Drug Policy is: - Whatever the Republicans are currently working on. - A new poster: "Don't Be A Shaggy; Share Your Drugs!" - White House aides using drugs won't be allowed to work unless they're Democrats. - "Just say no to inhaling!" - What would you like it to be? - What time is it? 8) Why do you admire Hillary Clinton? - Anyone who can make $100K without knowing cattle futures deserves admiring. - The only dead people I can conjure up are Paul Lynde and Redd Foxx. - If only I could lie so convincingly! - Hey! She puts up with Bill! Give her some credit. - We need more strong, intelligent women in prison. 9) What would Bill Clinton have to do for you to not vote for him? - Develop a big ugly eyestalk in the middle of his forehead. - Appear in a remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo." - Claim to be "more famous than JFK!" - Wear a t-shirt showing a bullet-riddled Snoopy. - Annex the Sudetenland and kill six million Jews. - Join the Republican party. 10) If Bill and Hillary discovered _________ in Chelsea's room, they would disown her. ONLY ONE ANSWER IS CORRECT. - Condoms. - Marijuana. - Cocaine. - A videotape with a note: "It was fun! Here's a copy--Rob Lowe" - An antique German lampshade with a registration tattoo on it. - "The Way Things Oughta Be" by Rush Limbaugh. 11) Al Gore's dynamic speech pattern makes him an excellent choice for the position of: - Vice President. - President. - Governor. - Senator. - Environmental spokesman. - TalkieToy Robot recorded voice. - Kindergarten teacher. 12) Bill Clinton strongly believes in - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. - Bill Clinton. 13) There is a logical, believeable way that missing Whitewater documents showed up in the White House reading room that adjoins Hillary's office after the administration claimed to have handed over all relevant documents: - They were being used to line Sock's box. - Time-travelling KGB spies plotting to avenge the fall of communism. - They had been blank sheets of paper until Bill spilled lemon juice on them. - That rascally David Copperfield again! - Hillary had them. SCORING: None. IF you think this is a humor page, you're a Republican. IF you had a hard time picking the best answer because they're all so true, you're a Democrat. Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Kissing Currency -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. The local farmers had been thoroughly bilked many times by a certain car dealer in town. Then one day, the car dealer informed a farmer that he was coming around to buy a cow. The farmer attached the following price information to the cow: Basic Cow: $500.00 Two-tone exterior: $45.00 Extra stomach: $75.00 Product-storing equipment: $60.00 Straw chopper: $40.00 4 spigots@$30/each $120.00 Cowhide upholstery: $125.00 Dual horns: $15.00 Automatic fly swatter: $38.00 Fertilizer attachment: $185.00 -------------------------------------------------------- TOTAL: $1203.00 * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. * I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. * Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway. * I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. * When there's a Will, I want to be in it! * Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students! * Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes! * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. Equipped -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This is a True Story excerpted from a local radio interview: The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club: Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting." Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range." Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm." Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?" Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!" Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!" "Every winter I would eagerly wait for the first snow flake to fall. I remember how I excited I got waking up to see those first few snowflakes of the season. I was thrilled as I raced to the door, shouting to my Mom and Dad. When I got to the front door, I would pound on it and shout, "IT'S SNOWING! Remember our agreement? Let me IN!" S P A C E A L I E N ' S L O G B O O K *********************************************** 8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work. 9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town. 9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze. 10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger- tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave. 1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element. 2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion. 3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next. 3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert. 3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift. 4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future political endorsements. 6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill. 9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter. 10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out. Computer Tips -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- * Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster. * 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip). * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. * My software never has bugs; it just develops random features. * C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL * C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN * Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones. * The name is Baud... James Baud. * Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! * C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. * Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY... * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!" * As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. * Backups? We don't need no stinking backups. * E Pluribus Modem * C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) * A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available. * An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? * A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. * 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. * Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. * Windows: Just another pain in the glass. * SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . * RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. * All computers wait at the same speed. * Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors. * Press to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Just do something!! * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. * Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!! * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 * DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... * Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. * Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" * Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) * Read my chips: No new upgrades! * Hit any user to continue. * 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! * I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! * Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? * Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit * (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? * If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. * Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. * Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand." * Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. * Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS! * Will configure ones and zeros for food! Contributed by: Unknown Contributor The Chicken or the Doctor -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?" Contributed by: Hugh's Daily Joke Service Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?" The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible". Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle". The old woman fainted. Are you the Manager? A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She continues, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." Lingo lesson A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right." I Want a Divorce A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Q: What goes klip klop klip klop klip klop.......BANG!!? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed." "This will be noted." The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed." A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?” “I don’t know, “ Ernie says, “What have you done?” You are an Internet Addict when... 1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. 3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. 4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. 5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" 7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. 8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names. 11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 12.) Your dog has its own home page. 13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. 14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months. 19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job. 21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." 23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher." 24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. 25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF. 26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. 27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. The Groom -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can’t get them back in their cages. Finally he says, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why??” “We need someone who speaks their langauge!” Wedding Tradition -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" Subtitle: You too can learn from the experiences of others! 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square-foot house four inches deep. 8. Legos WILL pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters were not designed for Jell-O. 13. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department has at least a three-minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. To Survive -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" Contributed by: Ginny Letter from Camp... Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? Believe What You Will Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?" A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them." After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill." Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving" New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly" Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that? "New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That is right" New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family. Neighbor 1: "Right again" New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife" Neighbor 1: "Correct" New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual" Neighbor 1: "Yup" New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door" Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job" Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University" Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No" Neighbor 1: "Fag." Submitted by: Bravo9302 @ aol.com The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whattya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning." RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT (After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public) By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor. I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb. In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere. In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a big place?" I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from. I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'." It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!" Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio." After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is. Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day." A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't." There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" A sign at the golf course detailing the dress code: Guys: NO Shirts, No Golf Girls: No Shirts, No Green Fees Murphy's Household Laws A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage Three children plus two cookies equals a fight The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal Harry's Problem Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" The Young Gunslinger It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . " The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer. A grandmother recieve this note from her 13-year-old grandaughter: "Thanks for the check.I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money." How Come 2 Chinese People Can't Have A White Baby? Because 2 Wong's don't make a White +++++++ Nothing like advertising Check out this kewl page! http://www.cybermail.net/~edwardl/index.html +++++++ Cynical Wisdom -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. And finally ... * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Last years winner to the hide and go seek contest. Camping Alert In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it. No Need for Courtship -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal... Accountant Humor What's the definition of an accountant? - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. What's the definition of a good tax accountant? - Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? - When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? - His personality. What's an extroverted accountant? - One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an auditor? - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? - Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? - Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? - Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." what do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dilexic? someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog. USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" Did you hear about the old farmer in Nebraska who shot his wife dead? He had some lawyer. The lawyer got him off scot-free. “Have a heart, Judge, “ the lawyer pleaded. “After all, my client’s a widower!” The good part about being bald is that when someone walks in the room all you have to do is fix your tie. Well, it follows... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (A particularly good one for those of you brushing up on the kooky language of English) If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted. Mouth in Overdrive -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a$$hole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?" How did the blonde try to kill the fish? She tried to drown it. Painting the Temple... Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more." THE NEW DIVORCE BARBIE IN OUT IN STORES NOW. SHE COMES WITH HALF OF KENS STUFF A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and ties himself in a knot and comes back in. "Gimme a beer," he says. The bartender looks at him and asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and frays the top of his head. He walks back into the bar and says "Gimme a beer." The Bartender takes a long look at him and says' " Hey, aren't you that piece of rope?" and the rope say's "Nope, Frayed Knot." The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." This is an actual letter sent to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C. Dear Mr Secretary: My friend Bordereaux received a check for $1000.00 from the Government for not raising hogs and so i am going into the not raising hog business. What I want to know, is what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise raiserbacks, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas. The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each one of the hogs I do not raise. My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400.00 in 1918 until this year when he received $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs. I will get $2000.00 for not raising 100 hogs, etc. I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $800,000.00. Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising? I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs. Yours very truly, Octave Brussard P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side so we can have a little ham and bacon to eat? yep- a re-run with a few additions... IMPONDERABLES > They were reported as---> Stolen without citing a source: > > Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? > Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear > bright until you hear them speak? > How come abbreviated is such a long word? > If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold > tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? > Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery > is dead? > Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers? > Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't > they be called builts? > Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? > Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what > time it is? > Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? > Why does sour cream have an expiration date? > Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk? > The light went out, but where to? > Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they > already know you don't have? > Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? > Why is the alphabet in that order? > If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is > expanding, what is it expanding into? > If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the > taxi driver end up owing you money? > What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? > If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the > other trees make fun of it? > Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? > When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It > sounds like a near hit to me!! > Do fish get cramps after eating? > Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"? > Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of > everything outdoors? > Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? > If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? > When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? > Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's > not adoor? > Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell > him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. > How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked > when someone threw a gun at him? > If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of > progress? > Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid > contains real lemons? > How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? > Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? > Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? > Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? > Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? > Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? > Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? > What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? > Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? > Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? > Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM > longer? > I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help > section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. > If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all > still working? > Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? > Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? > Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? > War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do , why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, but you left your Injun runnin"!!!" An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice. Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?" The first one replied, " I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test." I'm facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft? The Bunny Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??" Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk. If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. Top 17 Signs Your Airline Attendant is About Ready to Retire 17. Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville and Wilbur ran the business. 16. For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?" 15. When pointing to the emergency exits, uses nothin' but her middle finger. 14. Occasionally tries to prop-start a 747. 13. Insists on showing you pictures of her prom date with Bob Dole. 12. Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav." 11. At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector. 10. Replaces in-flight movie with racy story about how he and Amelia Earhart founded the Mile High Club. 9. As passengers deplane, forgets to say "bye" and just stands there saying "buh... buh... buh... buh... buh... buh..." 8. No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of Bosco. 7. After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on. 6. Matches entire business class shot for shot. 5. Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the aisle. 4. Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop. 3. Requests that passengers refrain from using electronic devices such as Wurlitzers, Victrolas, and telegraphs. 2. Excitedly announces that the in-flight movie will be a "talkie." 1. Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit. The Golden Club The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. " "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!" SICK IN CHURCH A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'." This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in fact every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad. Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks. This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here." The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more." The World's Shortest Books... 25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres 23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert 21. Human Rights Advances in China 20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 19. Al Gore: The Wild Years 18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. Staple Your Way to Success 2. The Amish Phone Directory And the #1 World's Shortest Book: 1. French Hospitality Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." Reasons why a computer is better than a woman: You can go to the game, and the computer doesn't care. You don't need to wine and dine a computer to keep it happy. You can have more than one computer. The computer doesn't care how much time you spend with it. When your computer breaks down, you can just get a new one. You don't need to marry a computer to live with it. A computer doesn't talk back. A computer has a help function, so you can understand what to do, what it is doing, and what it is trying to get across. When you don't want to hear it, you can turn the computer off. THESE ARE ORIGINAL AND COPYRIGHT JEREMY JOHNSON obviously this was submitted by Jeremy Some Days You Just Can't Win -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." ----------------------------- And some aren't too bright... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. ----------------------------- And some are just a little gullible Have I Got a Deal for You!..... More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. “Susan,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place.” “I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!” A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" this one may be offensive to some.. but anyhow.. its up too you. And here's the joke: The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II) 16> The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead 15> The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder 14> Black and Decker Nipple Sanders 13> Lee Press-On Nails 12> Approximo Knives 11> The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment 10> "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!" 9> The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately) 8> Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video 7> Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver 6> Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon 5> Nine Inch Tacks 4> Monkey Wenches 3> "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!" 2> Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item... 1> The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items 16> PVC crack pipes 15> Howard Sterno 14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun 13> Stud-Muffin Finder 12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders. 11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy 10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates 9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic 8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video 7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers 6> The TurboBidet 2000 5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books 4> Caulk Rings 3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter would-be toupee thieves) 2> Goose Tape and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item... 1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Da Plane Truth This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade[_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ...................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name: ...................................................... Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name:...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... .......... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / ....... 4. Serial Number: ................................................. 5. Please check where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: [_]North America [_] Central / South America [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Europe [_] Middle East [_] Africa [_] Asia / Far East [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_]Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / disinformation [_]Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_]Cults [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Commentsor suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing DepartmentMilitary Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO I went to the Post Office yesterday to mail in my tax forms. There was a long line and as I waited I saw that the open counter had been replaced with an elaborate glass enclosure that totally isolated clerks from customers. There were even sliding windows that you open (one side at a time) to slide large parcels to the clerk. When I got to the window I saw that the enclosure was actually bullet proof glass. After I completed my business I asked the clerk "Is the bullet proof glass to keep the bullets out or keep them in?". He started to answer "Keep them out" then stopped to think about it! 50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. 7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them,but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing a